Sneezey

So, you're suffering from allergies and the pollens are attacking your respiratory system every day, every hour, what feels like every minute. How could it be worse?

I'll tell ya. You pull a muscle on a particularly violent sneeze and now every time you sneeze it feels like someone is poking you in the side with a screwdriver. Hooray! We're experiencing a big rainstorm now that will hopefully clear the air out. I'm trying Claritin now to see if it will have some effect on my sneezing spasms.

........

Call me crazy but I'm thinking that we might wait Vietnam out to see if some miracle might happen. The chances are miniscule but there is a chance. In some ways it's easier to delay making a decision too. Maybe the universe will provide, maybe it won't.

All the love that you long for eludes you

It's been a strange week. I found myself in mourning, feeling like I'd lost a child. It's completely irrational I know but it was like a slam in the chest. Why do things have to be sooo difficult sometimes? My mind is weary from thinking about the options, and the countries, and the laws, and the finances. How bizarre that surrogacy seems like an easy choice now. My ipod randomly offers up Kirsty MacColl's "You Just haven't Earned it Yet Baby."

You just havent earned it yet, baby
You just havent earned it, son
You just havent earned it yet, baby
You must suffer and cry for a longer time

and it's oddly comforting. I can move past this and start anew. Hope glimmers a bit, there is backchannel talk about a possible renegotiation but I'm cautious. I have a fabulous life now, a wonderful partner and an amazing son who will be turning 3 this weekend and this is where I'm needed in the here and now.

The cake is ordered and I've bought the party supplies, the guests (all of them) have all said they're coming. I'm leaving work early today to take the cupcakes into school to have a little party and then we celebrate again with friends and family.

I will stop and look around and take in all the love and joy that a noisy fun house can entail.

Happy Birthday my little man!

Normally I'd post an update here, but it's too much right now. Sometimes you hear news that just flips your world:

From the US Embassy in Hanoi:

On April 25, the Government of Vietnam announced that it will allow adoption to be completed in cases where prospective adoptive parents have been matched with a child and received an official referral prior to September 1, 2008. It further stated that in accordance with Vietnamese law, the DIA will suspend the acceptance of new dossiers on July 1, 2008. On September 1, 2008 any dossier that has not received a referral will be closed and returned to the Adoption Service Provider. In view of the processing time required in Vietnam from placement to the Giving and Receiving Ceremony, an adoption process begun now cannot be completed before the current Agreement expires.

That's it. That's all it takes. Sometimes words can hit you physically, like a punch in the chest...

never everland

I sometimes read a discussion group with people who are considering parenthood. It's an interesting window back into a time I can scarcely connect with any more. My life seems split into two pieces now: one with child and one long ago.

One of the most striking things about the pre- or maybe not at all parents is how they speak in absolutes. "I'll never take my child to Disneyland." or "I can never give up my reading time."

I grin and chuckle to myself. How strange to be so sure of anything. What I've learned from being in a relationship for near 10 years now and having this little adorable id come into my life is that nothing is concrete. Even something as simple as food preferences are fluid. You don't like broccoli today but in a month maybe so! I'll never buy Disney products and then there I am with a set of Mickey Mouse underwear because I can't deny that big grin. Here I am kicking a soccer ball and looking up leagues for the summer. I hate sports.

It's liberating though. We can box ourselves in with these conditions and once you let go you realize just how much fun you can have with a couple puppets on a rainy afternoon.

reality bites

So, was that the most shocking American Idol result ever or what? I'll miss Michael Johns. He may be the best singer they've ever had on the show. I've already downloaded several of his singles and they're all fantastic. So, I'll be waiting for his album, it will be fabulous as well.


and for those of you who are Dancing with the Stars fans I leave you with this clip: