Friday, May 02, 2008

All the love that you long for eludes you

It's been a strange week. I found myself in mourning, feeling like I'd lost a child. It's completely irrational I know but it was like a slam in the chest. Why do things have to be sooo difficult sometimes? My mind is weary from thinking about the options, and the countries, and the laws, and the finances. How bizarre that surrogacy seems like an easy choice now. My ipod randomly offers up Kirsty MacColl's "You Just haven't Earned it Yet Baby."

You just havent earned it yet, baby
You just havent earned it, son
You just havent earned it yet, baby
You must suffer and cry for a longer time

and it's oddly comforting. I can move past this and start anew. Hope glimmers a bit, there is backchannel talk about a possible renegotiation but I'm cautious. I have a fabulous life now, a wonderful partner and an amazing son who will be turning 3 this weekend and this is where I'm needed in the here and now.

The cake is ordered and I've bought the party supplies, the guests (all of them) have all said they're coming. I'm leaving work early today to take the cupcakes into school to have a little party and then we celebrate again with friends and family.

I will stop and look around and take in all the love and joy that a noisy fun house can entail.

Happy Birthday my little man!


Eos said...

It's not irrational at all...I understand what is like to grieve for a child we didn't yet have. I think it's rational AND necessary. Hugs.

Happy Birthday to your little one!

Steve said...

how children can lead you to grief and celebration all in one week.

Happy 3rd birthday little man.

Bacchus said...

Its not irrational at all, it is the loss of a hope and dream. Not to say there won't be another child but this option is closed. It is ok to mourn it. We mourned each profile that we were turned down before finding Little Man.

Happy Birthday! Is he 3 already? I can't believe it.

TigerYogiji said...

Enjoy yourself this weekend Hon! ((HUGS)) :)

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

Aww, happy birthday E..

My little guy turned 3 on the 10th.